I've been struggling lately with my inner self. I had these same sort of feelings before/after Lola was born. I'm a mom now. Does that define who I am? In the first year of her life I played the role of the long-distance wife and single working mom. I was eventually too busy to worry about who I was. And I was home. I had friends and family around. I had a social life, I had a work life, and I had a home life.
This time feels different. I am living in a new city, because this is where my husband's job dictates we need to live. I am stay-at-home mom because we could afford it, and because when we moved here I was already knocked up with baby number 2. My days revolve around my daughter and my husband's work schedule - to a point. I have managed to carve out a small, and hopefully expanding, niche for myself here. I joined committees, I volunteer, I've made some friends. But it's different.
Even just re-adjusting to living with Mike is proving to be more difficult than we thought. When it was just me, and then just me and Lola I had total control of the house. We're both still learning to adapt, and it's been almost 6 months. Even now as I'm typing this, we just had an exchange about money. Not a fight, just a conversation, but I'm so used to dealing with bill payments and everything that sometimes I need to bite my tongue when he wants to give his input. And we SHOULD be sharing that sort of responsibility, but because I've been taking care of the finances for so long it makes me batty.
And even though we've managed to make this new house a home, it's still a rental home, and so many things about this place drive me crazy! Especially now that my nesting has kicked in. I'm noticing every single flaw.
Once the new baby is born (in 33 days!!! ish) we'll have the summer together as a family which is great! He'll have a few weeks off, but then back to work June 4th because he'll need to start training for his deployment. Yep, he's off to Kabul for 8-9 months. We don't have all the details yet, but we should in the next month or so. It'll be me and the TWO kids, alone in this city, during the winter. I have a feeling I'll be spending an extended period of time in Ottawa - I hope my parents can handle us!
I'm not completely satisfied with my life right now. I love my husband, I love my daughter and I'm thrilled we have a son coming (SOON!). I've always wanted a family, and I have a flipping great one! I'm not unhappy, I'm not depressed, I don't have any regrets, but sometimes I feel like I have less of a say with how my life is unfolding. I did not expect to the military to have any part of my life, ever. And now it feels like it rules my life. I love being home with my kid(s), but I don't think it's something I want to do full-time. I want/need to go back to work or school. But I'm not sure for what. I know something is missing, I know I need more, but I can't pinpoint exactly what it is. And that simple fact makes me feel frustrated and anxious. It's feels like I'm whining, or complaining - but I don't have a solution to the problem.
All these feelings are amplified times a million because of a) my pregnancy ... HORMONES!!!!!! b) adding another human to the mix at home, c) Mike being deployed and d) the thought of readjusting ONCE AGAIN and being caught in the same place.
I guess I just needed to dump the thoughts out of my head and "on paper". Thank you dear blog!
Oh girl I totally get all those thoughts. I had the same type of feeling I couldn't quite put my finger on during this last pregnancy too. Luckily once numero 2 came I have been so busy that I don't feel that way at all. I am sure once my life settles once again whatever it is/was I thought was missing will present itself and I can then resolve that part. Good luck with the last month!
ReplyDeleteI have nothing wise to say, but wanted to let you know that if you ever needed an ear, you know where to find me! Hang in there, dear! You'll find your niche, and figure out what/where exactly you need to be, and everything will eventually fall together.
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